When you are working out, it is crucial to have a great work out playlist because get severely bored if not. For me alot of the time, the dirtier the lyrics, the better. I start out with some great warm up songs, work up to the climax of the workout with extremely energetic songs, and then come back down again again with some cool offers.
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Monday, April 28, 2014
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
The Not So Tricky and Free Tips to Losing Weight and Maintaining By Ashley
It took me ten years, but I am proud to say I have finally figured out a way to maintain my weight. It may not be the perfect weight, but it is a number that my mind is happy with and my body is finally happy with too. Now, I did not go about it the conventional way. I definately have had my ups and downs as you can read in my previous post, but I have mastered the key to enjoying the ride. So, if you are interested, continue to read this post. So, without further adieu, here are my cliche but interesting tips to staying in shape and being happier with your body. PS these steps are geared more towards women. I'm sure men could try it too, I just think men might want to add a bit more food and weights to it if you know what I mean wink wink. I am creating the best work out playlist of all time on my next post so stay tuned if you are in need of songs for your awesome workout playlist.
Step 1. Make an awesome pumped up playlist. I don't mean put together a list of just any old songs,what I am saying is pick your all time favorite happy songs and of course my favorite,sexy songs, and put them together. (For me the more dirty and sexy and well, skanky for lack of a better word, the better). I have also found the more controversial song it is, the better you run because you listen to it and get more endorphines running through you. Basically a controversial song awakens feelings therefore, giving you more ambition to move. Which brings me to my next step.
Step 2. Decide on a cardio based exercise you kind of enjoy, I say kind of because let's face it, no one really enjoys moving their ass that much. But at least with the cardio you choose, you can learn to like it and get better at it. Anywhere from swimming, to running, to playing tennis, basketball, raquet ball, biking, eliptical machine, taking a cardio class of some kind, joining a gym, whatever. As long as it's cardio. I know weight lifting and conditioning is key as well, but cardio to me is most important simply because, you are not burning as many calories lifting weights. Lifting weights and conditioning should come if you have extra time. You are going to do just this for the rest of your life. I know I know, it's kind of dreadful to think about, but I promise once you are in better shape, you will crave it. Some people like working towards something, like training for a race, or being able to run five miles. I just prefer running on the treadmill. My first day of running, I literally ran for two minutes and walked for 43. And then every day or every other day, I would up it a minute. I'm not talking speedy running I am talking between 5.4-6.0 miles an hour. And I don't run the entire time. Irun for 10 minutes at 6.0, walk for two at 3.8, run for 8 at 6.0, walk for 3 at 3.8, run for 3 at 6.3, walk for two at 3.8, run for three at 6.5, walk for three at 3.8, Run for three at 6.5, walk for three at 3.8, run for three at 7.0, walk for four at 3.8, run for two at 8.0 and then cool down. It has taken me about a year and a half to get to the point where I can run on the treadmill for that long. So I don't expect anyone to be this amazing athlete. Just do what you can. As long as your heart is pumping faster, you are doing something different and better for your body then you were before. The key is consistancy.
Step 3. Do your cardio exercise for at least 45 minutes four times a week. I know this is alot to ask for some of us busy folk, but all I'm asking is an hour a day, maybe an hour and a half if you include cooling down and driving there. Some people work during the day, some work at night, so just find an hour or two during your day or night to do this. It is crucial to staying in shape. I know I probably sound like a broken record because we hear it all the time, but exersise is so good for you. It releases good chemicals in your body and makes you feel good. If you have an extra fifteen minutes after your after you've done the famous cardio routine, then do conditioning and weights. What I mean by that is sit ups, push ups, plank, weights, whatever. I always google ab exersises and I always find different tips. But get the cardio down first. Get your body used to pumping blood faster and your heart beating faster.
Step 4. Invest in some good headphones, good athletic socks, and good running/exersise shoes. I can't tell you how many times I go to work out and I hate myself for not picking the right socks, shoes,and or headphones. It completely ruins my work out and I just want to go home. Now, if you are like me,the ear buds simply suck! They constantly fall out while I'm running and I have to keep re adjusting them every two seconds. I finally at one point broke down and got the most rediculous large head phones I could find. They were humungous and weird, but they worked and stayed on my head. They finally got too dirty and smelly because you can't just wipe them down like you can the plastic ear buds, so I eventually threw them away. The over the ear hook ones work for some people, but they still fall out. So it just denpends on the shampe of your ear and your hair line. If the ear buds fit and stay in, you're a lucky bitch. On the socks, they have to be ankle socks! And they have to be thin, but not too thin where you get blisters. I always get the Nike girl athletic ankle socks but again, it's all about preference. On the shoes, obviously make sure they fit well and they are suitable for your particular work out. For instance, I run on the tradmill, so I would want a light weight, wider, woman's size 7 1/2 shoe. I always go a half size up, they seem to fit better especially with Nike. My all time favorite brand of running shoe because I have wide feet are Asics. They seem to fit my feet nicely and I don't get blisters.
Step 5. The Dieting Part. So, in my previous post, I explained that I really struggled with this topic for many years. I went up and down, and just never really trusted myself enough to do it right. I think I have finally figured it out. It's all about moderation and letting yourself still indulge because let's face it, there is no way to avoid cake. (cake is my sbsolute weakness so fill in the blank what yours is). I don't understand these people that can go on sugar free diets, or no carb diets. If you can do it I tip my hat to you because that is extraordinary, but for me, I would crash and burn. I've gotta have my pizza, and I've gotta have my cake. I hated going to parties and showers while dieting and not being able to eat the food. I was miserable. When I was younger my friend and I loved reading about celeb diet tricks and exercises. Not a lot stuck with me but one imparticular thing did. Britney Spears had something called a cheat day. Where each week, she would let herself have one day to indulge in whatever she wanted. Pizza, cupcakes,candy, fries, whatever. And it worked. Well after dieting with only eating 1200 calories a day, a cheat day was starting to sound really good to me. So, I began to try one cheat day a week. I binged like it was no ones business. I put everything and anything in my mouth I could and got a huge stomach ache and horrible heart burn after. Needless to say, my cheat day turned into cheat days and eventually, became the Ashley Diet. Heres how it goes: Mon, Tues, Wed, and half of Thurs I eat at or under 1500 calories. I do not go under 1000 because that is seriously un healthy even for the skinniest people. Those days I try to make good choices about what I eat too. Veggie sandwich, mostly no fast food, greek yogurt, fruits and veggies whatever. Then, half of Thurs, Friday, Saturday and Sun, I eat basically whatever I want. If I want pizza, I have pizza, if I want a cupcake I have a cupcake. This way, I feel like I'm still living. I may not be a size under five, but that's okay. This way, I am watching what I eat and getting to eat what I want and I don't ruin what I have worked for. Half the week I count calories, the other half I don't. And I am still working out as well to keep the poundage off.
Step 6: When on your cheat days, try to avoid fast food. It gives you gas and you feel nasty. Okay so occasionally I have to have fries, and Del Taco, but I try to stay away.
Step 7: Drink water!!! Most soda and fruit drinks have empty calories which means you are basically drinkning it for nothing and wasting calories you could be using for something else. If I have to, I drink something diet, I know it's horrible but I just need it!
Step 8: Be flexible. If you accidently eat over your calories on your non cheat days, use that as a cheat day and use a cheat days a healthy day. Same goes for working out. If you skip a day of working out, just go a day you normally wouldn't. Life is full of changes and un predictibility. If you can't be flexible, then this diet will never work.
Step 9: Listen to your body!It will tell you when you are full. While on your cheat days, if you feel full, stop! You can eat later. Why shovel everything in? Once your body gets used to the process it will begin to tell you what it's craving. I know it sounds weird, but you will want different things. Especially healthy things.
Step 10: If you feel like you are still not getting any results, take away a cheat day or two, just make sure you at least have two or you will give up. If you are at all like me, you have tried every other diet. They never work. It has to be a lifestyle change. I promise you will like this way.
Step 11: Be happy with with yourself and what you've accomplished. Don't be afraid to live your life and be happy. You deserve it!
step 12: Meditate, and by meditate I mean take a couple minutes a day to stretch and to think thoughts and to take some deep breaths,I like to do this before and after my work outs.
Step 1. Make an awesome pumped up playlist. I don't mean put together a list of just any old songs,what I am saying is pick your all time favorite happy songs and of course my favorite,sexy songs, and put them together. (For me the more dirty and sexy and well, skanky for lack of a better word, the better). I have also found the more controversial song it is, the better you run because you listen to it and get more endorphines running through you. Basically a controversial song awakens feelings therefore, giving you more ambition to move. Which brings me to my next step.
Step 2. Decide on a cardio based exercise you kind of enjoy, I say kind of because let's face it, no one really enjoys moving their ass that much. But at least with the cardio you choose, you can learn to like it and get better at it. Anywhere from swimming, to running, to playing tennis, basketball, raquet ball, biking, eliptical machine, taking a cardio class of some kind, joining a gym, whatever. As long as it's cardio. I know weight lifting and conditioning is key as well, but cardio to me is most important simply because, you are not burning as many calories lifting weights. Lifting weights and conditioning should come if you have extra time. You are going to do just this for the rest of your life. I know I know, it's kind of dreadful to think about, but I promise once you are in better shape, you will crave it. Some people like working towards something, like training for a race, or being able to run five miles. I just prefer running on the treadmill. My first day of running, I literally ran for two minutes and walked for 43. And then every day or every other day, I would up it a minute. I'm not talking speedy running I am talking between 5.4-6.0 miles an hour. And I don't run the entire time. Irun for 10 minutes at 6.0, walk for two at 3.8, run for 8 at 6.0, walk for 3 at 3.8, run for 3 at 6.3, walk for two at 3.8, run for three at 6.5, walk for three at 3.8, Run for three at 6.5, walk for three at 3.8, run for three at 7.0, walk for four at 3.8, run for two at 8.0 and then cool down. It has taken me about a year and a half to get to the point where I can run on the treadmill for that long. So I don't expect anyone to be this amazing athlete. Just do what you can. As long as your heart is pumping faster, you are doing something different and better for your body then you were before. The key is consistancy.
Step 3. Do your cardio exercise for at least 45 minutes four times a week. I know this is alot to ask for some of us busy folk, but all I'm asking is an hour a day, maybe an hour and a half if you include cooling down and driving there. Some people work during the day, some work at night, so just find an hour or two during your day or night to do this. It is crucial to staying in shape. I know I probably sound like a broken record because we hear it all the time, but exersise is so good for you. It releases good chemicals in your body and makes you feel good. If you have an extra fifteen minutes after your after you've done the famous cardio routine, then do conditioning and weights. What I mean by that is sit ups, push ups, plank, weights, whatever. I always google ab exersises and I always find different tips. But get the cardio down first. Get your body used to pumping blood faster and your heart beating faster.
Step 4. Invest in some good headphones, good athletic socks, and good running/exersise shoes. I can't tell you how many times I go to work out and I hate myself for not picking the right socks, shoes,and or headphones. It completely ruins my work out and I just want to go home. Now, if you are like me,the ear buds simply suck! They constantly fall out while I'm running and I have to keep re adjusting them every two seconds. I finally at one point broke down and got the most rediculous large head phones I could find. They were humungous and weird, but they worked and stayed on my head. They finally got too dirty and smelly because you can't just wipe them down like you can the plastic ear buds, so I eventually threw them away. The over the ear hook ones work for some people, but they still fall out. So it just denpends on the shampe of your ear and your hair line. If the ear buds fit and stay in, you're a lucky bitch. On the socks, they have to be ankle socks! And they have to be thin, but not too thin where you get blisters. I always get the Nike girl athletic ankle socks but again, it's all about preference. On the shoes, obviously make sure they fit well and they are suitable for your particular work out. For instance, I run on the tradmill, so I would want a light weight, wider, woman's size 7 1/2 shoe. I always go a half size up, they seem to fit better especially with Nike. My all time favorite brand of running shoe because I have wide feet are Asics. They seem to fit my feet nicely and I don't get blisters.
Step 5. The Dieting Part. So, in my previous post, I explained that I really struggled with this topic for many years. I went up and down, and just never really trusted myself enough to do it right. I think I have finally figured it out. It's all about moderation and letting yourself still indulge because let's face it, there is no way to avoid cake. (cake is my sbsolute weakness so fill in the blank what yours is). I don't understand these people that can go on sugar free diets, or no carb diets. If you can do it I tip my hat to you because that is extraordinary, but for me, I would crash and burn. I've gotta have my pizza, and I've gotta have my cake. I hated going to parties and showers while dieting and not being able to eat the food. I was miserable. When I was younger my friend and I loved reading about celeb diet tricks and exercises. Not a lot stuck with me but one imparticular thing did. Britney Spears had something called a cheat day. Where each week, she would let herself have one day to indulge in whatever she wanted. Pizza, cupcakes,candy, fries, whatever. And it worked. Well after dieting with only eating 1200 calories a day, a cheat day was starting to sound really good to me. So, I began to try one cheat day a week. I binged like it was no ones business. I put everything and anything in my mouth I could and got a huge stomach ache and horrible heart burn after. Needless to say, my cheat day turned into cheat days and eventually, became the Ashley Diet. Heres how it goes: Mon, Tues, Wed, and half of Thurs I eat at or under 1500 calories. I do not go under 1000 because that is seriously un healthy even for the skinniest people. Those days I try to make good choices about what I eat too. Veggie sandwich, mostly no fast food, greek yogurt, fruits and veggies whatever. Then, half of Thurs, Friday, Saturday and Sun, I eat basically whatever I want. If I want pizza, I have pizza, if I want a cupcake I have a cupcake. This way, I feel like I'm still living. I may not be a size under five, but that's okay. This way, I am watching what I eat and getting to eat what I want and I don't ruin what I have worked for. Half the week I count calories, the other half I don't. And I am still working out as well to keep the poundage off.
Step 6: When on your cheat days, try to avoid fast food. It gives you gas and you feel nasty. Okay so occasionally I have to have fries, and Del Taco, but I try to stay away.
Step 7: Drink water!!! Most soda and fruit drinks have empty calories which means you are basically drinkning it for nothing and wasting calories you could be using for something else. If I have to, I drink something diet, I know it's horrible but I just need it!
Step 8: Be flexible. If you accidently eat over your calories on your non cheat days, use that as a cheat day and use a cheat days a healthy day. Same goes for working out. If you skip a day of working out, just go a day you normally wouldn't. Life is full of changes and un predictibility. If you can't be flexible, then this diet will never work.
Step 9: Listen to your body!It will tell you when you are full. While on your cheat days, if you feel full, stop! You can eat later. Why shovel everything in? Once your body gets used to the process it will begin to tell you what it's craving. I know it sounds weird, but you will want different things. Especially healthy things.
Step 10: If you feel like you are still not getting any results, take away a cheat day or two, just make sure you at least have two or you will give up. If you are at all like me, you have tried every other diet. They never work. It has to be a lifestyle change. I promise you will like this way.
Step 11: Be happy with with yourself and what you've accomplished. Don't be afraid to live your life and be happy. You deserve it!
step 12: Meditate, and by meditate I mean take a couple minutes a day to stretch and to think thoughts and to take some deep breaths,I like to do this before and after my work outs.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
The Ten Percent
I love food. I always have. I love tasting it, I love enjoying it with my friends and family, I love trying different things, I love watching a movie and eating it. I will never not love it. However, loving food also comes with a price. Ever since I was around twelve years old, I have had this jaded perception of my body weight.
I was never the most skinny girl, but I wasn't really considered obese either. I've always been a little curvy and round. In high school I felt very average in everything. My grades, my weight, my height, my popularity status, everything. And in high school, you want to fit in but you don't want to blend into the wall either. I was very insecure about myself and my body. Basically always have been. I never dated in high school because I was so insecure and shy. I thought no one thought I was attractive. After high school I started dating a little bit. I dated guy after guy and got dumped every time. Ouch! Hurt a little each time. I couldn't understand why these guys did not want to be with me. And I began to wonder, why do they always dump me? What am I doing wrong? Is it the way I look? Is it the way I smell? Is it my personality? Am I too needy? Am I not a good kisser? Am I not religious enough? At the time I did not think that many girls my age were probably going through similar things. Then I started dating a guy whose name I will not reveal but will be known simply as Giant Dick Face in my story.
Giant Dick Face said something to me that changed my body image forever and the way I thought about myself in general. He told me and I quote, "I really like you alot, I am just not into your weight. Maybe we can work on that together." He also told his friends that was the reason he would not commit to me because he was worried my unhealthy eating habits would be passed on to our children if we were to have any." End Quote. If you think that about someone you are dating, you don't say that kind of shit to their face, you simply let your fake in considerate self make up some other reason like it's just not working out escape your lips. As a twenty year old young girl it began to dawn on me, this is the reason all of my boyfriends were not into me. I was not skinny. I was a giant blob that ate too much and was not worth dating. They were embarassed to show their friends to me because I wasn't skinny enough. They dated me because I had an okay personality and an okay boob size. I actually continued to date Giant Dick Face for a while after that comment. And,get this, he was the one that broke up with me. Side note:(Yeah if there was ever some sort of time machine I would definately go back and kick him in the balls. I know people stay with people who call there significant other fat and other names like that or in nice ways to try and "help", but I can't handle the thought of my significant other saying something so harsh to me. I don't need to hear it, I already know. And I think everyone else does too. The world is harsh enough on us. I don't need someone else telling me I need to lose weight. I watch TV shows all the time where it's a joke that a man tells a woman she could lose a few pounds or vice versa, I don't find it funny. It is completely a mental thing. Your partner is supposed to love you no matter what. Even if you are worried about your partners health, you do not comment on there flaws. We already know. Fuck You Dick Face! Did your mother teach you anything? (By the way this isn't a man hating story, I'll get to my point)
Sorry, tangent. Back to my story. So after Giant Dick Face called me fat and made me aware that I was not worth dating because of my size, of course like any other normal girl would, I tried to fix the problem. I began to research how to lose weight. Diet and exercise of course. Isn't that always the answer? I began to count my calories and work out. As the story goes, I began to lose weight and for the first time in my life, I started to feel a little more beautiful then average. The more I lost weight, the more attention I would get and the prettier I felt. So I started cutting more calories and exercising on a daily basis. Sometimes twice a day. I began to acquire many boyfriends/friends/past people who didn't give a shit about me before. I have always wanted to be cheerleader size. YOu know, the size where everyone can throw you up in the air and you look great in a bakini and you are considered very hot? That size. I felt so good, hungry, but good. For the first time in my life I felt like I was pretty enough to be considered okay looking and not frumpy, round and stout. I got down to about 110 and I lost my menstrual cycle. I didn't care. About 106 pounds I started noticing my hair was thinning and my skin was starting to look gray/green. Did not phase me for a second. If I missed a workout, I would have a (freak out/break down session) If I went 100 calories over my limit I would again breakdown and have a crying fit. I had finally found my nich. I would run everyday on the treadmill for eight miles. (Which by the way, boring! Staring at a wall for an hour) Which normally seems like an incredible thing to do for your body but not when you are only eating 900 calories a day. Keep in mind I lost 50 pounds in three months which is incredibly dangerous. I never did get into the throwing up thing though. I was worried about my teeth ironically enough. My mom took me to a doctor who told me I was doing great with losing weight and to keep up the great work. I was so fixated on looking good and being skinny that I started to dodge my friends and family to work out. I didn't want to go out with friends because they would be around food, and I didn't want to hang out with my family because all they would do is question and worry about me. At night I would have nightmares of becoming fat again and I would literally wake up sobbing because of all the hard work I had done. Being skinny was everything. I could not even eat a peice of gum without worrying about the calories. I got down to about 100 pounds before I was really noticing how weak I was starting to become. All the popularity and attention, everything I had ever wanted and I felt like it could never last. I would scream at my mom and tell her you are just jealous. I couldn't fathom why they would be worried because I was finally skinny and healthy. Every single thought I had was about food and when my next meal was going to be. I even ate a package of carrots for breakfast, lunch and dinner and noticed my skin turning orange the next day (umpa lumpa status). I would do anything to lose another pound. Food consumed me. What I did not realize until later was that I was not really living life, because I became obsessed with food and looking perfect. I did not have time for people because my obsession became my life. I wanted this skinny life so much and I had finally achieved it. Every time I ate a carrot I would go strip my clothes off and weigh myself.
I don't remember exactly how I got better, a part of it was moving away and change of scenery, a part of it was starting to date my husband who liked me before I was stick thin, and a part of it was my roommate constantly telling me I looked disgustingly thin that made me realize what I was doing to myself. Either way, I thankfully climbed out of the dangerous hole I was beginning to fall into.
Well, after that my life began to change. I got married in 2006, had a baby in 2008, and another baby in 2011. Life was complicated, wonderful, and a whole lot of crazy. For a while I did not have time to stop and think. Gaining weight during pregnancy is a good thing, taking off baby weight after, not so easy. In 2012, I was the heaviest I'd ever been in my life. I went for an annual check up with my doctor, and the nurse weighed me. I was so devistated I had let myself get that big. (Why it mattered so much to me back then I don't know, I admit, it still does.)The results of my check up kicked me into lifestyle change mode. I asked for a treadmill for Christmas, bought some new running gear, and started watching what I ate and worked out. It wasn't too long after that I started becoming obsessed once again. I freaked out if I gained a pound or ate over my caloric intake. I had again worked so hard and didn't want to lose all of it. This time, I did not have a shitty boyfriend to blame it on. This time around, I also knew that I needed to get help fast when I was consumed with the food thoughts again. I had lost my period and was beginning to shut the world out again. My sweet and thoughtful husband that he is suggested I go see his childhood therapist. So I thought, what the hell, I am so sick of feeling this way, what could it hurt? So I agreed to go, but only if my husband came with me. Through therapy sessions, the therapist told me something that stuck with me. He said, "You are an unratable human being. Everyone is unratable. So often we compair ourselves to scales and numbers which is not the right way to think. We live in a fake materialistic world and 90% of people think we are ratable. Think of how great it would be if you could be in the ten percent. The percent that didnt care. The percent that chose to be happy and not worry about appearance. You are unratable. So you gain some pounds? Run for enjoyment, eat healthy because you want too. Not because you have to. Not because you are less of a human being if you are not a certain size. Life is too short to worry about your ratability. We are growing,and ever changing. We all have a body and we all have a right to be viewed as equal. No matter our status or appearance. We are not numbers."
He also told me about a story of how he and his family were in Hawaii and next to them on the beach sat this group of women in their fiftees whom clearly had had many plastic surgeries and still looked good in swim suits, but all they did was bitch about there exes to each other and talk about how many problems their children now had. "Who wants that life?" He said to me. "That is not living just caring about where you are going to get your money next. These women had been through many husbands and clearly were still people who thought everyone including themselves were ratable. When it's clearly not so." He saif " Ashley, I want you to look in the mirror everyday and I want you to say outloud, Good morning self, you are an un ratable human being, what kind of day are you going to have today?" I know that sounds so silly but as I began to say it to myself, I started to believe it. Stupid mind trick. But really though, regaurdless of your religion, your ethnicity, your background, where you've been, your sexuality, your size, your sex, we are all unratable.
I battle with acceptance of my self every day, but I have gotten better. I am so lucky to have a husband that tells me I am beautiful every day. I have two kids to raise and teach about unratability. I deserve a happy life. I now exercise for my health and try to watch what I eat. I may not be a size two, but that doesn't make me any less of a person. I don't ever want to be the ladies on the beach that still only care about what I look like and could care less about anyone else. How sad of a life that is. Almost every girl I know has some sort of eating disorder and jaded perspective of themselves. It is this expectation that we have to be super thin to be considered beautiful and it is just not true. Surround yourself with people who agree with that answer and I know this is cliche, but get help. I can even give you my therapists number if you are struggling. I am at a point in my life where I don't weigh myself anymore. It is not worth the thoughts that follow. I have to keep reminding myself every day that I want to be that ten percent who believes we are unratable. In those breif moments when I truely deep down feel this way and let go of ratability,it is complete bliss.
I was never the most skinny girl, but I wasn't really considered obese either. I've always been a little curvy and round. In high school I felt very average in everything. My grades, my weight, my height, my popularity status, everything. And in high school, you want to fit in but you don't want to blend into the wall either. I was very insecure about myself and my body. Basically always have been. I never dated in high school because I was so insecure and shy. I thought no one thought I was attractive. After high school I started dating a little bit. I dated guy after guy and got dumped every time. Ouch! Hurt a little each time. I couldn't understand why these guys did not want to be with me. And I began to wonder, why do they always dump me? What am I doing wrong? Is it the way I look? Is it the way I smell? Is it my personality? Am I too needy? Am I not a good kisser? Am I not religious enough? At the time I did not think that many girls my age were probably going through similar things. Then I started dating a guy whose name I will not reveal but will be known simply as Giant Dick Face in my story.
Giant Dick Face said something to me that changed my body image forever and the way I thought about myself in general. He told me and I quote, "I really like you alot, I am just not into your weight. Maybe we can work on that together." He also told his friends that was the reason he would not commit to me because he was worried my unhealthy eating habits would be passed on to our children if we were to have any." End Quote. If you think that about someone you are dating, you don't say that kind of shit to their face, you simply let your fake in considerate self make up some other reason like it's just not working out escape your lips. As a twenty year old young girl it began to dawn on me, this is the reason all of my boyfriends were not into me. I was not skinny. I was a giant blob that ate too much and was not worth dating. They were embarassed to show their friends to me because I wasn't skinny enough. They dated me because I had an okay personality and an okay boob size. I actually continued to date Giant Dick Face for a while after that comment. And,get this, he was the one that broke up with me. Side note:(Yeah if there was ever some sort of time machine I would definately go back and kick him in the balls. I know people stay with people who call there significant other fat and other names like that or in nice ways to try and "help", but I can't handle the thought of my significant other saying something so harsh to me. I don't need to hear it, I already know. And I think everyone else does too. The world is harsh enough on us. I don't need someone else telling me I need to lose weight. I watch TV shows all the time where it's a joke that a man tells a woman she could lose a few pounds or vice versa, I don't find it funny. It is completely a mental thing. Your partner is supposed to love you no matter what. Even if you are worried about your partners health, you do not comment on there flaws. We already know. Fuck You Dick Face! Did your mother teach you anything? (By the way this isn't a man hating story, I'll get to my point)
Sorry, tangent. Back to my story. So after Giant Dick Face called me fat and made me aware that I was not worth dating because of my size, of course like any other normal girl would, I tried to fix the problem. I began to research how to lose weight. Diet and exercise of course. Isn't that always the answer? I began to count my calories and work out. As the story goes, I began to lose weight and for the first time in my life, I started to feel a little more beautiful then average. The more I lost weight, the more attention I would get and the prettier I felt. So I started cutting more calories and exercising on a daily basis. Sometimes twice a day. I began to acquire many boyfriends/friends/past people who didn't give a shit about me before. I have always wanted to be cheerleader size. YOu know, the size where everyone can throw you up in the air and you look great in a bakini and you are considered very hot? That size. I felt so good, hungry, but good. For the first time in my life I felt like I was pretty enough to be considered okay looking and not frumpy, round and stout. I got down to about 110 and I lost my menstrual cycle. I didn't care. About 106 pounds I started noticing my hair was thinning and my skin was starting to look gray/green. Did not phase me for a second. If I missed a workout, I would have a (freak out/break down session) If I went 100 calories over my limit I would again breakdown and have a crying fit. I had finally found my nich. I would run everyday on the treadmill for eight miles. (Which by the way, boring! Staring at a wall for an hour) Which normally seems like an incredible thing to do for your body but not when you are only eating 900 calories a day. Keep in mind I lost 50 pounds in three months which is incredibly dangerous. I never did get into the throwing up thing though. I was worried about my teeth ironically enough. My mom took me to a doctor who told me I was doing great with losing weight and to keep up the great work. I was so fixated on looking good and being skinny that I started to dodge my friends and family to work out. I didn't want to go out with friends because they would be around food, and I didn't want to hang out with my family because all they would do is question and worry about me. At night I would have nightmares of becoming fat again and I would literally wake up sobbing because of all the hard work I had done. Being skinny was everything. I could not even eat a peice of gum without worrying about the calories. I got down to about 100 pounds before I was really noticing how weak I was starting to become. All the popularity and attention, everything I had ever wanted and I felt like it could never last. I would scream at my mom and tell her you are just jealous. I couldn't fathom why they would be worried because I was finally skinny and healthy. Every single thought I had was about food and when my next meal was going to be. I even ate a package of carrots for breakfast, lunch and dinner and noticed my skin turning orange the next day (umpa lumpa status). I would do anything to lose another pound. Food consumed me. What I did not realize until later was that I was not really living life, because I became obsessed with food and looking perfect. I did not have time for people because my obsession became my life. I wanted this skinny life so much and I had finally achieved it. Every time I ate a carrot I would go strip my clothes off and weigh myself.
I don't remember exactly how I got better, a part of it was moving away and change of scenery, a part of it was starting to date my husband who liked me before I was stick thin, and a part of it was my roommate constantly telling me I looked disgustingly thin that made me realize what I was doing to myself. Either way, I thankfully climbed out of the dangerous hole I was beginning to fall into.
Well, after that my life began to change. I got married in 2006, had a baby in 2008, and another baby in 2011. Life was complicated, wonderful, and a whole lot of crazy. For a while I did not have time to stop and think. Gaining weight during pregnancy is a good thing, taking off baby weight after, not so easy. In 2012, I was the heaviest I'd ever been in my life. I went for an annual check up with my doctor, and the nurse weighed me. I was so devistated I had let myself get that big. (Why it mattered so much to me back then I don't know, I admit, it still does.)The results of my check up kicked me into lifestyle change mode. I asked for a treadmill for Christmas, bought some new running gear, and started watching what I ate and worked out. It wasn't too long after that I started becoming obsessed once again. I freaked out if I gained a pound or ate over my caloric intake. I had again worked so hard and didn't want to lose all of it. This time, I did not have a shitty boyfriend to blame it on. This time around, I also knew that I needed to get help fast when I was consumed with the food thoughts again. I had lost my period and was beginning to shut the world out again. My sweet and thoughtful husband that he is suggested I go see his childhood therapist. So I thought, what the hell, I am so sick of feeling this way, what could it hurt? So I agreed to go, but only if my husband came with me. Through therapy sessions, the therapist told me something that stuck with me. He said, "You are an unratable human being. Everyone is unratable. So often we compair ourselves to scales and numbers which is not the right way to think. We live in a fake materialistic world and 90% of people think we are ratable. Think of how great it would be if you could be in the ten percent. The percent that didnt care. The percent that chose to be happy and not worry about appearance. You are unratable. So you gain some pounds? Run for enjoyment, eat healthy because you want too. Not because you have to. Not because you are less of a human being if you are not a certain size. Life is too short to worry about your ratability. We are growing,and ever changing. We all have a body and we all have a right to be viewed as equal. No matter our status or appearance. We are not numbers."
He also told me about a story of how he and his family were in Hawaii and next to them on the beach sat this group of women in their fiftees whom clearly had had many plastic surgeries and still looked good in swim suits, but all they did was bitch about there exes to each other and talk about how many problems their children now had. "Who wants that life?" He said to me. "That is not living just caring about where you are going to get your money next. These women had been through many husbands and clearly were still people who thought everyone including themselves were ratable. When it's clearly not so." He saif " Ashley, I want you to look in the mirror everyday and I want you to say outloud, Good morning self, you are an un ratable human being, what kind of day are you going to have today?" I know that sounds so silly but as I began to say it to myself, I started to believe it. Stupid mind trick. But really though, regaurdless of your religion, your ethnicity, your background, where you've been, your sexuality, your size, your sex, we are all unratable.
I battle with acceptance of my self every day, but I have gotten better. I am so lucky to have a husband that tells me I am beautiful every day. I have two kids to raise and teach about unratability. I deserve a happy life. I now exercise for my health and try to watch what I eat. I may not be a size two, but that doesn't make me any less of a person. I don't ever want to be the ladies on the beach that still only care about what I look like and could care less about anyone else. How sad of a life that is. Almost every girl I know has some sort of eating disorder and jaded perspective of themselves. It is this expectation that we have to be super thin to be considered beautiful and it is just not true. Surround yourself with people who agree with that answer and I know this is cliche, but get help. I can even give you my therapists number if you are struggling. I am at a point in my life where I don't weigh myself anymore. It is not worth the thoughts that follow. I have to keep reminding myself every day that I want to be that ten percent who believes we are unratable. In those breif moments when I truely deep down feel this way and let go of ratability,it is complete bliss.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Since It's Almost Valentine's Day
So music has always been a huge part of my life. It has helped me through so many things. Break ups, sickness, worry, hard times and let's not forget having a good time. Music has always played a great role in helping me deal with my emotions. I love all types of music. You name it I can tell you a good song from each genre. So riding on the cheesy train and being bored at work today, and since it's Valentine's Month, I have decided to compile a list of my all time favorite love songs. Some of them are more sad, but still about love. I can't believe I have country songs on this list because I am typically not a fan, but if I'm going with my cheesy girly side, here it is. It is a really random list, but each one of these fifty songs have touched my heart in some way at a different time period. Hopefully you hear something you like.
So here it is, enjoy.
50. Not Just Me- Rascal Flatts
49. Spoiled- Joss Stone
48. Your Just too Good to be True- Heath Ledger version/ Lauryn Hill Version
47. Oh Darling- The Beatles
46. Crazy Love- Bob Dylan and Van Morrison
45. First Day of My Life- Bright Eyes
44. I Got You Babe- Sonny and Cher
43. Groovy Kind of Love- Phil Collins
42. Can't Help Falling in Love- Elvis
41. Look After You- The Fray
40. Overjoyed- Matchbox 20
39.The Blower's Daughter- Damien Rice
38. Love- Keyshia Cole
37.Love, Love, Love- Unwritten Law
36. Without You- Christina Aguilera
35.The First Time I Ever Saw Your Face- Roberta Flack
34. Everytime- Janet Jackson
33. Don't Dream It's Over -Six Pence None The Richer
32. The Power of Love- Celine Dion
31. Cry To Me- Solomon Burke
30. Crash Into Me- Dave Matthews Band
29.The Space Between- Dave Matthews Band
28. Amber- 311
27. I Will Follow You Into the Dark- Death Cab For Cutie
26. By Your Side- Sade
25. Everything- Alanis Morissette
24. Trouble- Ray Lamontagne
23. Again- Janet Jackson
22. Unchained Melody- The Righteous Brothers
21. Don't Want to Miss a Thing- Aerosmith
20. Walk the Line- Johnny Cash
19. This Year's Love- David Gray
18. Always Something There to Remind Me- Naked Eyes
17. You Give Me Something- James Morrison
16. Don't Worry Baby- The Beach Boys
15. The Luckiest- Ben Folds Five
14. The Light- Sara Bareilles
13. The Only Exception- Paramore
12. It Will Rain- Bruno Mars
11. Save Me From Myself- Christina Aguilera
10. Near You Always- Jewel
9. I'll Stand By You- The Pretenders
8. Surfer Girl- The Beach Boys
7. Lets Stay Together
6. Heart of the Matter- Don Henley Version and India Arie Version
5. She's Got a Way- Billy Joel
4. If it Kills Me- Jason Mraz
3. Your Song- Elton John version and Ellie Goulding version and Moulin Rouge Version
2. Something- The Beatles version and The Jim Sturgess Version
1. Hold You In My Arms- Ray Lamontagne
So here it is, enjoy.
50. Not Just Me- Rascal Flatts
49. Spoiled- Joss Stone
48. Your Just too Good to be True- Heath Ledger version/ Lauryn Hill Version
47. Oh Darling- The Beatles
46. Crazy Love- Bob Dylan and Van Morrison
45. First Day of My Life- Bright Eyes
44. I Got You Babe- Sonny and Cher
43. Groovy Kind of Love- Phil Collins
42. Can't Help Falling in Love- Elvis
41. Look After You- The Fray
40. Overjoyed- Matchbox 20
39.The Blower's Daughter- Damien Rice
38. Love- Keyshia Cole
37.Love, Love, Love- Unwritten Law
36. Without You- Christina Aguilera
35.The First Time I Ever Saw Your Face- Roberta Flack
34. Everytime- Janet Jackson
33. Don't Dream It's Over -Six Pence None The Richer
32. The Power of Love- Celine Dion
31. Cry To Me- Solomon Burke
30. Crash Into Me- Dave Matthews Band
29.The Space Between- Dave Matthews Band
28. Amber- 311
27. I Will Follow You Into the Dark- Death Cab For Cutie
26. By Your Side- Sade
25. Everything- Alanis Morissette
24. Trouble- Ray Lamontagne
23. Again- Janet Jackson
22. Unchained Melody- The Righteous Brothers
21. Don't Want to Miss a Thing- Aerosmith
20. Walk the Line- Johnny Cash
19. This Year's Love- David Gray
18. Always Something There to Remind Me- Naked Eyes
17. You Give Me Something- James Morrison
16. Don't Worry Baby- The Beach Boys
15. The Luckiest- Ben Folds Five
14. The Light- Sara Bareilles
13. The Only Exception- Paramore
12. It Will Rain- Bruno Mars
11. Save Me From Myself- Christina Aguilera
10. Near You Always- Jewel
9. I'll Stand By You- The Pretenders
8. Surfer Girl- The Beach Boys
7. Lets Stay Together
6. Heart of the Matter- Don Henley Version and India Arie Version
5. She's Got a Way- Billy Joel
4. If it Kills Me- Jason Mraz
3. Your Song- Elton John version and Ellie Goulding version and Moulin Rouge Version
2. Something- The Beatles version and The Jim Sturgess Version
1. Hold You In My Arms- Ray Lamontagne
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
30 things I wish I would have known and believed before I was 30.
Seeing that I am 28 and alomost 29, I have a few years left of what I would like to call "The realm of youngness." Therefore, I have decided to compose a lengthy list of everything I wish I would have known in my early childhood, tweens, teens and twenties. So here we go.
30.Try out for everything you ever wanted to try or be in no matter how embarassed it makes you. You will regret every second you didn't. This includes high school/ college musicals, advanced dance, cheerleading, sports, prom queen, etc.. Throw caution to the wind.
29. Listen to your parents when they tell you school and good grades are important later in life.
28. When a guy/girl breaks up with you, take it as a win and move on. The one that breaks up with you almost always at some point regrets the decision and you don't have to worry about regret because you know you gave it your all.
27. Smile at everyone. I don't care if you are having the shittiest day in the world. A smile goes a long way with anyone. Someone else might be having a shitty day too and your smile could be worth a million bucks in someone's life.
26. Stop thinking about who you are going to end up with and live in the moment. Bask in the randomness and excitement of not knowing where your life will take you.
25. When you get the opportunity to go on an incredable trip out of the country say for instance to London, England, quit worrying about boys and friends and drama and appreciate the view.
24. Take lots and lots of pictures.
23. Don't waste time crying over stupid boys and mean deceitful friends. Just remember it always comes back to bite them.
22. Choose your friends wisely.
21. Say what's on your mind when it's necissary. But try not to hold back. Just tell the truth. Even if it means losing something to gain respect.
20. Eat delicious food and stop worrying so much about your appearance. Enjoy the taste of life. Ashley, there is this thing called exersise.
19. Always shower daily, wear deoterant, and don't shave your eyebrows off and draw them on with a lip liner pencil.
18. When you have kids, try to document everything they say and do. You forget alot of cute stuff if you don't.
17. When you get to be about twenty-five or so, you start appreciating your friends that have stuck around. Appreciate them before if you remember.
16. Michael Jackson dies in your lifetime, so try to meet him before then if you can. As well as any other idol/favorite people.
15. Learn to enjoy hugging. It's never going to go away and people need it from you.
14. When a guy you are dating calls you fat or says anything durogatory to you run, don't walk away from him and never look back. You don't need that asshole in your life. Complete waste of time.
13. Go to Disneyland and the beach as much as possible.
12. Find the good in people. Even if it means looking past their political and religious points of view.
11. Go to as many concerts as you possibly can.
10. Listen.
9. When you have kids,stop and play with them. Try not to yell too much at them either. They are just little.
8. Stand up for your sisters and friends no matter what the cost.
7. Don't beat yourself up on things you just couldn't accomplish or do at the time such as breast feeding.
6. Have sex as much as possible. (Okay within reason)
5. Gain knowledge on sex before having it.
4. Vote for what you stand for.
3. Listen to music every chance you get.
2. Read as many books as you can.
1. Laugh as much as possible. Even if you are the only one in the room.
30.Try out for everything you ever wanted to try or be in no matter how embarassed it makes you. You will regret every second you didn't. This includes high school/ college musicals, advanced dance, cheerleading, sports, prom queen, etc.. Throw caution to the wind.
29. Listen to your parents when they tell you school and good grades are important later in life.
28. When a guy/girl breaks up with you, take it as a win and move on. The one that breaks up with you almost always at some point regrets the decision and you don't have to worry about regret because you know you gave it your all.
27. Smile at everyone. I don't care if you are having the shittiest day in the world. A smile goes a long way with anyone. Someone else might be having a shitty day too and your smile could be worth a million bucks in someone's life.
26. Stop thinking about who you are going to end up with and live in the moment. Bask in the randomness and excitement of not knowing where your life will take you.
25. When you get the opportunity to go on an incredable trip out of the country say for instance to London, England, quit worrying about boys and friends and drama and appreciate the view.
24. Take lots and lots of pictures.
23. Don't waste time crying over stupid boys and mean deceitful friends. Just remember it always comes back to bite them.
22. Choose your friends wisely.
21. Say what's on your mind when it's necissary. But try not to hold back. Just tell the truth. Even if it means losing something to gain respect.
20. Eat delicious food and stop worrying so much about your appearance. Enjoy the taste of life. Ashley, there is this thing called exersise.
19. Always shower daily, wear deoterant, and don't shave your eyebrows off and draw them on with a lip liner pencil.
18. When you have kids, try to document everything they say and do. You forget alot of cute stuff if you don't.
17. When you get to be about twenty-five or so, you start appreciating your friends that have stuck around. Appreciate them before if you remember.
16. Michael Jackson dies in your lifetime, so try to meet him before then if you can. As well as any other idol/favorite people.
15. Learn to enjoy hugging. It's never going to go away and people need it from you.
14. When a guy you are dating calls you fat or says anything durogatory to you run, don't walk away from him and never look back. You don't need that asshole in your life. Complete waste of time.
13. Go to Disneyland and the beach as much as possible.
12. Find the good in people. Even if it means looking past their political and religious points of view.
11. Go to as many concerts as you possibly can.
10. Listen.
9. When you have kids,stop and play with them. Try not to yell too much at them either. They are just little.
8. Stand up for your sisters and friends no matter what the cost.
7. Don't beat yourself up on things you just couldn't accomplish or do at the time such as breast feeding.
6. Have sex as much as possible. (Okay within reason)
5. Gain knowledge on sex before having it.
4. Vote for what you stand for.
3. Listen to music every chance you get.
2. Read as many books as you can.
1. Laugh as much as possible. Even if you are the only one in the room.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Meet-and-Greet
Greet
/grēt/
verb
verb: greet; 3rd person present: greets; past tense: greeted; past participle: greeted; gerund or present participle: greeting1. give a polite word or sign of welcome or recognition to (someone) on meeting
I have always considered myself a very privileged person. From the time I was born to the present, I have pretty much gotten whatever I have wanted within reason. Some of it is due to the fact that my Mom never wanted me to want for anything, other privileges just kind of fell into place such as marrying who I did. My husband Jake, is a very hard working man. He has gotten everything he has wanted through hard work and dedication. But that's a different story. The reason why I bring this up is because my husband works in radio. He worked hard to get where he is and admittedly I totally reap the benifits. And what that means to me is I pretty mcuh get to meet any famous music artist I want who comes into town. I have met and taken pictures with musicians like: Kelly Clarkson, Hanson, Bruno Mars, FUN.,Macklemore and Ryan Louis,OneRepublic, Sara Barielles, 311, John Mayer, Blink 182, Kat Graham, Rita Ora, Chris Allen, Steven Tyler, Ellie Goulding, Phillip Phillips, Ben Folds Five, Guster, Bare Naked Ladies, Ja rule, Train, Neon Trees, Kate Nash, Grace Potter, Michael Franti, Nicki Minaj, JoJo, Adam Lambert, Orianthi, Taylor Swift, Demi Levato and Vanessa Carlton just to name a few. The reason I bring this up on my blog today is not to brag at this point, but talk about human beings vs. celebrities when it comes to "meet and greets."
For those of you who don't know what a "meet and greet" is, it's basically where winners of a radio, tv, or other promo get to go and supposedly meet the celeb they won the meet and greet with, and take a picture/autograph with them. In your mind you have thought about this moment all through out your life. "If I ever get to meet my favorite singer, this is what I will say and we will become best friends and he or she will call me and maybe take me on tour with them and it will be my dream come true because he or she writes great songs so obviously they are great people who care about everyone". Never turns out as expected and because of this, I have now realized most famous people "musical artists" are full of complete shit. The real definition of a "meet and greet" is this:
1. The beyond grumpy tour manager takes the group of winners and hurdles them into a shitty room like cattle while you sit for AT LEAST a half hour while the artist is doing who knows what the fuck in his or her tour bus. (Who the hell do they think they are wait to meet them? Did Jesus come and visit them in there dressing room?)
2. Finally the artist moseys on out like God's Gift to the World and stands by the back drop with his or her posse, (usually a body guard and a publicist of some sort and sometimes the artist is drunk or high as fuck I might add and you can smell it on them) while the tour manager gets you in a line to take picture in groups of people you don't know so you don't have to waste the artist's precious time with individual shots.
3. You wait in the line of winners and finally you get to where you take a picture with the artist and it's really quick. Usually if the artist is somewhat of a good actor/actress they make you feel like they kind of like that you are there taking a picture of them with a simple nod or hey how's it goin' but most of the time they have this attitude like "Ugh when is this going to be over"? Nice right? So not only did you waste your whole week picking the perfect outfit in hopes they will notice you and want to become best friends because they too like the color blue, but you got your hopes up in thinking they actually gave a shit about their fans. Such a disappointment.
4. After you take a picture or get an autograph (from a celeb who for some reason is too good for a photo) the angry/scary/grumpy tour manager rushes you out of the room like you are a terrorist.
5. At least pretend to care.
So basically after all that work of winning the chance to meet your favorite singer, taking all that time to pick out the perfect outfit and brag to your friends and find a sitter for your children, you feel like shit after. You feel like a needle in a haystack and that you are a worthless peice of garbage. I have been to so many meet and greets now that every time I go I question why I went, (let's be honest I went to get a picture with the artist so I can post it on fb later to brag about it to the world when in actually reality, it kind of sucked).
I tell this to some people and they say "well you have got to look at it from their perspective. Meeting a bunch of people every single day and signing autographs and stuff would get tiring after a while." And I always say this, " I don't give a shit if you are tired of meeting people. It's your job. Act like you give a shit. Act like you are happy to see someone. Most likely this person has looked up to you for years and all you can say is hey with a blank look on your face? How non nostalgic of you. Not to mention you are getting payed a heep load of money to shake twenty people's hands who look up to you."
Meet and Greets have really disheartened me from celebs and musicians. Here you are thinking you are going to meet this really cool person and then come to find out you meet this tired, blank expression, full of themselves artist who couldn't give a flying fuck about you. Oh and by the way, anyone they have on their team such as a grumpy tour manager or publicist gets directly put back on the artist in my mind because they hired the son-of-a-bitch to be mean so they didn't have to do the dirty work. I see right through you! And it makes me not want to listen to the meet and greet artist's music anymore. If I had actually won tickets to meet you, I would be so incredably pissed off if I took the time to win the tickets and an artist treated me that way.
I do have to give props to two artists on my long list for actually acting like they somewhat cared: the band FUN. and surprisingly John Mayer for not showing up totally baked the first half. And there are a few others who were better then most but still, really? I'm still waiting for the "Hey thanks for paying to see me in concert and for appreciating my music" phrase which I don't think I will ever get.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Alcoholic
alcoholic
noun : a person who frequently drinks too much alcohol and is unable to live a normal and healthy life : a person who is affected with alcoholism
There are many different kinds of music that talk about and glorify partying and drinking as if it was cool to do it everyday all day. There's the country song that talks about drinking your sorrows away, the rock song about meeting the crazy hot girl at a party and having a drink with her, then there is the hip hop/ rap song that continually brags about what kind of liquor bottle they're having for the evening (mostly high end shit no one can afford) and how drunk they get while drinking said liquor bottle, either way, we are no strangers to how glorifying alcohol can be. Don't get me wrong, rap music is one of my favorite types of music, because just like alcohol, you can listen to it and get lost in the beat of the song and forget about your troubles for a short while. But yes it's true, alcohol, has and always will be a valued substance that aides in helping you let go of what you don't want to deal with or think about. But when is it too much? I think we all question this topic. I ask this question because I know so many people that take it too far and still think they're fine and it's totally normal to drink a bottle of vodka a day. There is no problem with that. I'm sure you are probably wondering why I chose to write a blog on the topic of alcohol at all and well, I am kind of wondering this myself actually. But what the hell. I think it's important to speak and write with passion, and this is something I have always wondered about because I honestly don't know a whole lot about it. All I know is that if taken too far, alcohol can destroy and devastate human beings. I am going to start off the post by telling anyone reading this that I have only gotten drunk a total of one time. I am not trying to brag about my non-drinking ways, I am just simply stating that I am not the perfect judge of what it means to be freed by alcohol. I have tried different drinks here and there, but alcohol has never really appealed to me. I have many friends and family who drink for fun, or drink to feel good and let go for a night, but then there are those friends and family members who have a problem. So I feel like maybe writing about it will help me clear what has been on my mind for a while. Side note: for those of you that don't believe alcoholism is a real disease I feel sorry for you, because, it is a very real disease and now more then ever, I think people need to realize it.
When I was nine years old, my uncle my Mom's older brother died of an alcohol and drug cocktail. I am assuming you get what I mean when I say alcohol and drug cocktail right? No need to elaborate. He was 41 years old and left behind three children. One of which was just two years old. I remember sitting at his funeral when I was nine and seeing the looks on my cousin's faces. I will never forget how sad and lost they looked. And I remember not really comprehending what effect this would have on my family long term. I just remember my Mom having random sobs and break downs for a long time after. Their sadness turned into anger later on and I will never forget how angry they were and still are at him. It's been years and I still sense the anger and hurt every time someone brings him up at a dinner or family event. My cousins will never have their Dad. I remember bitching at some point to my cousin about my Dad and I remember her saying something to me like "At least you have a Dad. You have no idea what it's like to lose your Dad and you will never understand." That is really when I really started to understand the effects of alcoholism.
I use my uncle as an extreme example, however, my family and I are no strangers to being witnesses of what alcohol can do to people's lives. I talk about my uncle to my mom now and in hindsight, I still think she is just so furious at him for leaving his family behind. My dad and I always joke about when my mom gets up to heaven the first thing she is going to do is find her brother and smack him across the face for leaving her family with this heartbreak. My grandma use to refuse to go to movies for a long time since my uncle passed away because it would make her stop her life, and sit down and think. I can't even imagine losing a child. Has to be the worst possible thing in the world. Let alone losing a child to substance abuse. Something which at the beginning, could have been preventable. My grandma always tells me "He was addicted with the first drink". I'm sure we all know someone who has lost a loved one due to alcoholism. And it's funny how lightly we take the subject. "Oh yeah, he was an alcoholic, so it was just a matter of time." But what is the definition of an alcoholic? Someone who cannot stop right? You always here too much of anything can kill you. Everything in moderation. But if we know how dangerous this drug can be (Yes everyone, if you did not know, alcohol is considered a drug) then why do we still do it to ourselves? There is the argument that it helps calm you down, but there are a lot of things that help calm you down. Go for a hike, watch a great show, call a friend. I don't know, I am a total skeptic about this subject.
I have always been the outsider looking in. I was and always have been the one at parties who has the privilege of watching people having the time of their lives and making a complete ass of themselves while indulging in what we call "Gettin' crunk or fucked up!" It's humorous for a while when everyone is touching and dancing and laughing loudly, but then I have to ask myself, is this it? Is this how people get to the point where they can actually feel pure enjoyment in their lives? Are we so far gone sad and depressed about our day to day lives that we have to rely on substance to make us feel good and human again? Or is there more to life then numbing one's self? Please don't feel as though I am criticizing you that is not my intent because believe me, I have my fair share of using some form of substance to feel alive. (Ehem coffee and Diet Coke for starters) but if we know the effect it can have on people's lives if taken too far, then why do we even indulge in alcohol? Why even have the first drink? I am honestly asking because I don't understand. When we drink alcohol some people think we become the best/fun versions of our selves because we let go of every set back. We forget everything, throw caution to the wind, and let loose. There are many friends of mine with whom I don't know their real personalities when they are not drunk, in fact, I cannot even tell if they are drunk or sober. I recently went to a party where I watched one of my best friends go from high to low in an hour, and I remember staring at her at her lowest, throw up all over her and sobbing about her kid she might lose in an up coming custody battle, and I remember thinking "Is this what you wanted for your party you worked so hard on? To be drunk and throwing up in bed not able to move and spouting out ridiculous things that make no sense while everyone is around you? watching?" To me, that is no party. That is a nightmare. But what I wonder is, do we drink because it helps us to see reality for what it is? Does it just numb the pain that comes with the reality? When I stared at her sobbing and really listened to what she was saying, I realized this was what I had been wanting to hear from her for a long time. This was the reaction I was looking for about her son being taken away. It was like when alcohol got in her system, she could finally face what she had been pushing away. But as I watched her more, it broke my heart. She seemed so lost.
A temporary high really. But is it worth risking? A lot of close friends and family tell me they have a glass or two of wine with dinner every night and I ask why? Their reply is always "It calms me." or "I like the taste." When I hear this from my family especially I always reply (hopefully in a non judge mental fashion) "yeah but if you know you have alcoholism in your family, is it worth the risk?" Then they usually get pissed and that's the end. But really though, is it worth it? Worth risking your control over your life? I am beginning to think it isn't. When you think of an alcoholic, you think of someone who is poor and dirty and wanders the streets with a bottle in a paper sack spouting out obscenities and slurs but I think we all know, that is not the true definition of an alcoholic. A true definition of an alcoholic is a person who cannot be normal without it. A person who no matter what they do cannot stop drinking. This is my family, my friends, my co workers my neighbors, my peers. They say alcohol is a numbing substance. A self medication. But I think it's the opposite. It is a trap you set for yourself. A rabbit hole. A beginning to no end. Yes, there is a sense of freeing the mind when you are buzzed or plastered, but there is a better sense of freedom when you have nothing to hold you back in life. Especially not alcohol. It ties you down, it weights you. I might sound harsh but I think some people need to hear what I am trying to spell out. It's not worth it. I have heard lots of people say suicide is a selfish thing to do, which I totally disagree with because it is caused by mental illness. But alcoholism is a mental illness too. And if you know you have it in your family, there is no point in starting. I don't think people are aware of how dangerous this particular drug really is. I recently heard that alcohol poisoning is third leading cause of preventable death. Preventable is the key word here. Alcoholism is a sneaky disease. Almost everyone drinks right? It's far more overlooked then any other drug. But Honestly, it is the most dangerous because of that. I beg you to please not think I am trying to criticize, because trust me, that is the last thing I want to do, all I am trying to say is be careful. Love yourself. Don't rely on drinking to make you who you are or it could become who you are. Live life to the fullest right? Love more and give your family and friends the decency of sticking around.
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